I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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