I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
