i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
So squirting runs in the family.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
