i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
