Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Boobs are out for the taking
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
