I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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