why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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