I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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