thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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