i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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