I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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