Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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