That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
