I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
