Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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