my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
