I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
