I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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