im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
