I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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