Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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