I wish I could teleport
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
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