i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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