i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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