I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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