John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
