i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
