Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
