I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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