Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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