I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Im part way to drunk.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
