I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
