apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Blow job season was short but glorious.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
