Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We're too hungover to prance.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
