We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
