i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
