I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
