she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
