im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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