I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
