Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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