matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
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I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
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You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.