I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
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