I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
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nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
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Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...