she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize