I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Randomize