im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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