i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
