I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I have aggressive nipples.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
