I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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