just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
