i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
