She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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