No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I cannot find my penis.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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