In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
