I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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