You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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